Lillian Lincoln Lambert

My husband and I recently returned from a week in picturesque Maui, HI. Little did I realize how stressed I was at the time. Being removed from the hustle and bustle of everyday life gave me time for reflection and viagra look at life from a different prospective.

My summer was quite hectic. I dealt with a number of family health issues. My oldest brother (with whom I had a very close relationship) died from pancreatic cancer in July. Those who read my book may remember my discussion of our relationship. During the last few months of his life, I spent many hours with him and his wife, helping with transportation to and from doctor appointments, dialysis, hospital etc., or just sitting and talking. In May I made the decision to not accept any speaking engagements or book signings in order to free up my time so I could spend more with him. I am so happy I did. Those months were very special for both of us.

Three days after his funeral I was in New York to care for my daughter and granddaughter while my daughter recovered from foot surgery. My stay was to be a 3-4 week commitment but ended up being 6 weeks because of complications from the surgery.  Again, because I had freed up my schedule, I was able to stay.  Family is important to me and helping when needed is not problematic for me.

Those who have been to Maui realize it is a place to relax – not for the party type who wants excitement every day. For me it was a welcome change from the prior few months. After a long flight and recovering from jet lag we played golf, took an all day tour to Hana, HI, explored the island by car, attended a luau, laid on the beach and dined at a couple of great restaurants.

The trip to Hana was one recommended by most that visited as well as those who live there.  It is located on the far end of the island from where we stayed which was about 60 miles away. We were warned, however, that to drive there takes 3½ to 4 hours each way because the road is very narrow and winding with more than 600 curves and many narrow bridges.  We opted to take the all-day bus tour relaxing on a 12-passenger bus accompanied by a knowledgeable driver/guide. The route traversed along the ocean with numerous stops along the way allowing for photo opportunities. The view is breathtaking with many waterfalls, rocks and much vegetation.

Being away for a period of relaxation and reflection was great though it was good to be home.  Over the next few weeks, I will do further reflection, giving thought to where I am in my life and career, then examine my priorities and possibly change some of them.

It was a vacation well spent!

Over the course of our lives, we all have successes, disappointments, hardships, failures and other things that shape our character and help to develop wisdom. Wisdom is acquired over time based on a variety of experiences. I once had a pastor who said that youth and wisdom do not reside in the same body. There is some truth in that statement but wisdom does not automatically come with age. Instead, it depends on your ability to bring into play the experiences from all that life has handed us.
I speak from experience. As a young girl, growing up on a farm in the South, I wanted nothing more than to leave that farm when I became 18, an adult, and head to New York City. I knew what was best for me – or so I thought- and more education was not it! It took about four years of struggling to survive in the “big city”, working menial jobs and living from hand-to-mouth before I realized that an education was the key to a better life. For me, it took the experience of struggling to survive in the “big city” with no salable skills that caused me to wise up. My life is full of experiences that have helped me to become wiser and it has not ended yet.
An examination of your experiences on the journey of life will certainly pinpoint some situations where you did not make wise decisions. What did you learn from that experience? There is the tendency to classify things as “failures” when it can be a warning to do something different. A failure is that only if you learn nothing from the experience. So wise up.

A couple of months ago, I experienced the death of an older brother with whom I was very close. After his death, I spent time assisting his wife with the myriad of things that must be dealt with following the death of a spouse. He had a will which made settling his estate a bit easier. Even with that, there were things which we both wished he had done more thoroughly.
As I reflected on my brother’s life I reminisced about his many good qualities – though he had a few undesirable ones as well – and what a wise person he was. During conversations he would often blurt out some saying or words of wisdom which seemed appropriate to the conversation. A few weeks after his death I read an article titled: Two Kinds of Legacy. As I read it I wished my brother had done what this article suggested.
The article talked about a person leaving a will, called a legacy, to distribute assets. But, as the article points out, legacy has a deeper meaning. In addition to the will to distribute assets, it recommended people leave an ethical will which passes on wisdom and good wishes to future generations. This can be a letter or some other document that conveys the person’s values, convictions, advice and hopes for future generations. This written document reflects the person’s experience during the journey through life.
What would you put in your ethical will? Writing such a document can have an impact on your own life, causing you to examine your life and adjust your own priorities. It could change your prospective. Because this document is about ethics, it can become a moral compass that helps loved ones navigate their way to worthy and happy lives. Give it a try. Once you start writing down all your thoughts, it may be hard to stop.

I am not a great lover of New York City – nice place to visit but wouldn’t want to live there. I have two daughters who live in the city so I do visit 3-4 times a year. Recently one daughter had foot surgery and to make her recovery easier, she needed help for herself and her daughter. I just spent ten days with them and am now returning home by AMTRAK (the only way I travel to NYC.)
As I return, I reflect on my experience and admit that New Yorkers sometime get a bad rap. There are good and bad people everywhere but some places get more publicity – good or bad – than others. Many acts of kindness were shown me during this 10-day visit. My daughter was housebound because her doctor ordered not to put any weight on her foot and she was not skilled at negotiating the stairs with her crutches. Therefore, I had to assume all household chores: cooking, food shopping, laundry, etc. plus take my granddaughter to school (she started kindergarten while I was there & her mom had to miss her first 2 days).
When I arrived in New York, I took the subway to her apartment. I know my way around on the subway and prefer it to NY cabs. I have learned to travel lightly whether by train or plane, carrying an overnight bag and computer case. At my stop I got off and headed toward the stairs. Just as I was beginning to ascend the steps to the street a young man who was headed down the steps, with a female companion, said “Miss, let me help you with your bag.” I was a pleasantly surprised as he took my bag up to the street level. I thought to myself, “That’s a great welcome to the city” but expected no other such acts. How wrong I was!
There were many friendly gestures I witnessed between others and some to me. A couple stand out. In line at the grocery store I realized I had forgotten to bring my daughter’s store card which meant I could not capitalize on any special sales that required the card. Just as I was about to ask the cashier if she could locate the card if I gave her the phone number the lady in front of me, who had just checked out said, “Here, let her use my card”. (As I type this on the train, the conductor just passed through the almost-empty car where I sat. As he reached a couple seats ahead of me he came back with a big smile and said “Good morning, how are you today?”My day is starting just right.)
Since my daughter was housebound she decided to do some constructive things at home. She cleaned closets and packed bags of clothes to give away. There is a shelter for women and children about a block away so I agreed to take them there. In addition to the clothes she had two strollers. On the street, I was stacking the bags onto one of the strollers when a young lady approached me and said, “Let me help you with those bags”. I accepted her offer and as we walked we chatted. I found out she was not even going in my direction but had crossed the street at the corner behind me and saw me struggling with the bags. She said she just would not have felt right if she had not offered to help.
These are just a few examples but they made an impression on me. None of these people had to do what they did but it is probably a normal way if life for them. It sure made me feel better about mankind and New Yorkers in particular.
The message: Each day try to do something for someone. No matter how small it may seem to you, it could make that person’s day. Sometimes just a smile goes a long way.

A few months ago, I was having lunch with a friend who is an avid reader. She is always telling me about the latest book she has read and sometimes I am envious of the fact that she reads so many books in such a short period. On this particular day she was wound up about a book she had just finished and strongly suggested that I read it. I decided that this is a “must read” and bought the book.

As I began reading it I became somewhat emotional with mixed feelings ranging from anger to sadness to joy and even sympathy. After reading a couple of chapters I could not continue and thought it best to put the book aside and maybe go back to it at a later time. The book: “The Help”.

I am not sure whether my initial reaction to the book was based on my experiences and those of my mother and other women I have known who worked as maids; or because it was written by a white woman or because my friend who recommended it is white. I do know that I could relate to the maids. I worked as a maid right out of high school and my mother who had a college degree worked as a maid after leaving the work force to raise her children. Even though both of us were educated and spoke “proper grammar” in the eyes of our employer we were still just maids.  Our experiences were not as bad as the ladies in the book but humiliation in any form is demeaning.

After a few weeks, I returned to the book with the intent of finishing it and taking away the positives from the story because it is well written. Just recently, I saw the movie. What bothered me most about the book and the movie was not the content but the message readers and viewers may take away.  Many bring with them a preconceived impression of blacks and black families based on stereotypes passed down from generation to generation. In many ways the story reinforces some of the negatives with few positives to offset those negatives. As I read the book I reflected on an experience I had in the 1980’s because someone made an assumption about me based solely on my race.

I describe this experience in detail in the prologue of my memoir, The Road to Someplace Better.  After leaving my days of working as a maid; getting my undergraduate degree from Howard University; being awarded an MBA from Harvard (the first black woman to get a Harvard MBA); I was well established as a successful entrepreneur by the late 1980’s. To promote my business and make important contacts in the business world I joined selected organizations. One such organization was a prestigious women’s organization whose membership was comprised of highly successful entrepreneurs, corporate executives and government officials. A member living in New York decided to have a cocktail party at her apartment and invite members who lived on the East Coast. I resided in MD at the time and saw this as a great opportunity to expand my horizon.  With great anticipation, I booked a hotel room and plane ticket. I gave special attention to my attire, carefully selecting an outfit which I felt was appropriate for a successful entrepreneur.

After a short time to relax in my New York hotel, I dressed in my stylish knit suit and with my mink coat warmly tugged around me, I headed to my evening out.  As I entered this elegant building on the upper eastside, the doorman greeted me warmly and pointed me in the direction of the elevator. I rang the doorbell and was greeted by an elderly white woman, whom I later discovered was the mother of the hostess. She was visiting from someplace in the south.  I smiled, announced my name and informed her that I was there for the cocktail party. Her greeting was not very warm but I thought nothing of it. She turned and asked me to follow her. Within a minute I found myself standing in the kitchen. She thought I was the maid and was there to serve the party!

My first feeling was that of anger as I thought: “This is 1980! How can people be still making assumptions like this”? My next thought was that my attire should have indicated otherwise. How many maids show up for work dressed as I was? I immediately informed this woman that I was a guest. The look on her face was priceless. She quickly showed me to the room where other guests were gathered. For the rest of the evening she was like an appendage, not letting me out of her sight.

As I scanned the room of guests, I saw that I was the lone black woman in attendance. Nonetheless, that was no justification for anyone to assume that the only black person had to be a worker instead of a guest. My feeling toward this woman went from anger to sympathy. This may have been the first time in her life that she has been in close contact with a black woman other than one who was a maid. We are a product of our environment and teachings.

In my opinion some important messages from The Help are:

1. These were courageous women who did what they had to do to support their families.

2. They worked for a better life for their children; note the woman who needed $75 to get her son registered for college. Not much attention was given to this.

3. Some of the employers did have a conscience but were afraid to follow what they knew was right.

4. It is easy to be influenced by those with whom you associate.

5. Racism is taught. Children do not see race as an issue until they learn it from others.

These are just a sampling of some of the messages. Today, an important question each of us can ask ourselves is: “How do I relate to and treat people of another race as an employee, co-worker, neighbor, etc?”